Another Sleepless Night

I should be getting some sleep since I have a final tomorrow morning; but I can't help but entertain several thoughts in my head, and it's interfering with my sleep process. I am blogging in hopes that I can conclude these thoughts with an outburst of emo.

1. The Feeling of Being Left Out.
"People are having fun without me and it makes me bitter and mad at the world." What's really at the root of this? I first noticed this behavior while I was with Linda. One Saturday, Linda went to DLSSP while I spent most of the day doing a practice MCAT. After that exhausting 8-hour exam, I have a phone conversation with Linda, who proceeds to describe how much fun she had at DLSSP. I get bitter and mad that I was left out of this fun experience.

• Now, allow me to try and analyze what's normal and abnormal about this event. I take a practice MCAT: I could've not shown up at the practice exam, but it would've been detrimental. It was the right thing to do.
• Linda went to DLSSP without me. Linda could've stayed home; but is that practical? Would it be reasonable for her to have fun only when she's with me, and not when she's alone? Of course not. I obviously couldn't go, so she went without me.
• Linda told me about how much fun she had. This is normal. When you go to an event where you had a lot of fun, you'd obviously want to tell someone about it. The only reason this would have been wrong is if Linda knew in advance that telling me about DLSSP would make me mad. In that case, she could've said, "DLSSP was ok," and then talk about other things.
• I got mad: on the brink of abnormal. It's natural to feel bad that I wasn't able to enjoy what Linda enjoyed, but I take it too far. So far that it may take a day or more for me to fully forgive Linda for having fun without me.

Let's look at a different case: I was in Florida, and Kim was in Las Vegas. Whenever my friends talk about stuff that happened that night in Vegas, I feel left out; and that's natural. That's how anyone would feel. When Kim was going to Vegas, I do remember feeling a little jealous; but it's nothing worth mentioning. So what was different about this experience? Although Kim was having fun without me, I was also having fun without her. It seems that it's ok for other people to have fun without me as long as I'm also having fun without them. Bottom line? I get selfish. During times where people I care about have fun without me, I get selfish and feel as if the world should revolve around me. "You can't have fun unless I'm having fun too!"

I've been struggling with this behavior for a long time, and I think I've improved; but I had another attack tonight, while Kim was telling me about how she went to Target and ate at Chipotle with Steve. Yes, I could've been there, but that means more $$ spent for gas, more $$ spent for eating, and less time spent for studying. Again, I did the right thing to do; but I couldn't help but feel upset that I wasn't there to enjoy Target and Chipotle with my girlfriend. I still don't fully understand why I get these anger attacks. At least I was able to contain myself enough to pretend nothing was wrong while I was on the phone with Kim.

Until I really get to the root of this, I'll have to settle for being aware of it, and trying my best to restrain it. So far, the only thing that works is to be apathetic; but that may have some undesirable side effects. The thought, "I don't care about Kim. She can do whatever she wants for all I care," is one that I would prefer not to entertain.

I'm getting sleepy now, so I'll probably end with the second thought:

2. Jealousy. Sometimes, when Kim goes out with just one other guy, I get jealous. I think to myself, "Kim does not need to get close to any other guy. Only me." I get jealous of a few things:

• Fun. "Kim should be having fun with me, not some other guy."
• Meaningful conversation. This has to do with Kim getting emotionally close to other men.
• Physical Attraction. A lot can be said. Even when both parties are in relationships, it's hard to ignore the large amount of cheaters in this world. Although I trust Kim, and she trusts me, it's hard to put away the fact that anything can happen. David (in the Bible) was a prophet of God; but even he succumbed to temptation and committed adultery. It's also hard to ignore the fact that guys are horny. Another factor is Kim's manic/depressive states which can happen at any time, and can lead her to do things she wouldn't normally do. It worries me sometimes.

Since I'm already sleepy, I won't say much more about this, only that it still happens to me on occassion. It never happened with Stephanie (probably because she did a good job of always making me feel wanted; plus there were never really any other guys in her life), it only happened with Linda when she was with James, who is now her current boyfriend (this was further worsened by the fact that Linda hid me from her mom and church, meaning she couldn't tell James she already had a boyfriend, giving James no reason to quit flirting with her, and in retrospect, Linda put me in a really crappy situation and I resent her for it), and as i said above, it happens sometimes with Kim and I think I can put some reasons in bullet points.

• Kim has A LOT of guy friends, and she seems to be quite fond of a few
  
• Kim's history with guys; of which I won't go into detail
• Sometimes, Kim doesn't care if everyone sees her underwear (at least that's how it seems sometimes)
• Kim's attachment to Nick and John (although she assures me that she'll never have relationships with those guys again, the thought that she might still visits me every so often)

Now, if you've read all of this thus far, and you're not a close friend of mine, then you're probably a stalker, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Now, let's put this all back down to earth:

Reading all of this makes me sound like a lunatic. Please understand that all of this is purely psychotherapeutic. The thoughts and feelings described above are of the extreme nature, are almost never manifested in behavior, and are never entartained for a very long time. Overall, I'm a pretty normal human being. This was merely an analysis of the unreasonable part of my psyche; which I think is in all of us. We all think crazy sometimes.

And Kim, if you're reading this, rest assured that I love you and I will never force you to do things just to satiate my selfish and jealous desires. Keep having fun without me. Keep having outings with your guy friends. It's your right and privilege. I'm hoping in due time that these things will cease to keep me up at night. Especially before a final exam.