Another Sleepless Night

I should be getting some sleep since I have a final tomorrow morning; but I can't help but entertain several thoughts in my head, and it's interfering with my sleep process. I am blogging in hopes that I can conclude these thoughts with an outburst of emo.

1. The Feeling of Being Left Out.
"People are having fun without me and it makes me bitter and mad at the world." What's really at the root of this? I first noticed this behavior while I was with Linda. One Saturday, Linda went to DLSSP while I spent most of the day doing a practice MCAT. After that exhausting 8-hour exam, I have a phone conversation with Linda, who proceeds to describe how much fun she had at DLSSP. I get bitter and mad that I was left out of this fun experience.

• Now, allow me to try and analyze what's normal and abnormal about this event. I take a practice MCAT: I could've not shown up at the practice exam, but it would've been detrimental. It was the right thing to do.
• Linda went to DLSSP without me. Linda could've stayed home; but is that practical? Would it be reasonable for her to have fun only when she's with me, and not when she's alone? Of course not. I obviously couldn't go, so she went without me.
• Linda told me about how much fun she had. This is normal. When you go to an event where you had a lot of fun, you'd obviously want to tell someone about it. The only reason this would have been wrong is if Linda knew in advance that telling me about DLSSP would make me mad. In that case, she could've said, "DLSSP was ok," and then talk about other things.
• I got mad: on the brink of abnormal. It's natural to feel bad that I wasn't able to enjoy what Linda enjoyed, but I take it too far. So far that it may take a day or more for me to fully forgive Linda for having fun without me.

Let's look at a different case: I was in Florida, and Kim was in Las Vegas. Whenever my friends talk about stuff that happened that night in Vegas, I feel left out; and that's natural. That's how anyone would feel. When Kim was going to Vegas, I do remember feeling a little jealous; but it's nothing worth mentioning. So what was different about this experience? Although Kim was having fun without me, I was also having fun without her. It seems that it's ok for other people to have fun without me as long as I'm also having fun without them. Bottom line? I get selfish. During times where people I care about have fun without me, I get selfish and feel as if the world should revolve around me. "You can't have fun unless I'm having fun too!"

I've been struggling with this behavior for a long time, and I think I've improved; but I had another attack tonight, while Kim was telling me about how she went to Target and ate at Chipotle with Steve. Yes, I could've been there, but that means more $$ spent for gas, more $$ spent for eating, and less time spent for studying. Again, I did the right thing to do; but I couldn't help but feel upset that I wasn't there to enjoy Target and Chipotle with my girlfriend. I still don't fully understand why I get these anger attacks. At least I was able to contain myself enough to pretend nothing was wrong while I was on the phone with Kim.

Until I really get to the root of this, I'll have to settle for being aware of it, and trying my best to restrain it. So far, the only thing that works is to be apathetic; but that may have some undesirable side effects. The thought, "I don't care about Kim. She can do whatever she wants for all I care," is one that I would prefer not to entertain.

I'm getting sleepy now, so I'll probably end with the second thought:

2. Jealousy. Sometimes, when Kim goes out with just one other guy, I get jealous. I think to myself, "Kim does not need to get close to any other guy. Only me." I get jealous of a few things:

• Fun. "Kim should be having fun with me, not some other guy."
• Meaningful conversation. This has to do with Kim getting emotionally close to other men.
• Physical Attraction. A lot can be said. Even when both parties are in relationships, it's hard to ignore the large amount of cheaters in this world. Although I trust Kim, and she trusts me, it's hard to put away the fact that anything can happen. David (in the Bible) was a prophet of God; but even he succumbed to temptation and committed adultery. It's also hard to ignore the fact that guys are horny. Another factor is Kim's manic/depressive states which can happen at any time, and can lead her to do things she wouldn't normally do. It worries me sometimes.

Since I'm already sleepy, I won't say much more about this, only that it still happens to me on occassion. It never happened with Stephanie (probably because she did a good job of always making me feel wanted; plus there were never really any other guys in her life), it only happened with Linda when she was with James, who is now her current boyfriend (this was further worsened by the fact that Linda hid me from her mom and church, meaning she couldn't tell James she already had a boyfriend, giving James no reason to quit flirting with her, and in retrospect, Linda put me in a really crappy situation and I resent her for it), and as i said above, it happens sometimes with Kim and I think I can put some reasons in bullet points.

• Kim has A LOT of guy friends, and she seems to be quite fond of a few
  
• Kim's history with guys; of which I won't go into detail
• Sometimes, Kim doesn't care if everyone sees her underwear (at least that's how it seems sometimes)
• Kim's attachment to Nick and John (although she assures me that she'll never have relationships with those guys again, the thought that she might still visits me every so often)

Now, if you've read all of this thus far, and you're not a close friend of mine, then you're probably a stalker, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Now, let's put this all back down to earth:

Reading all of this makes me sound like a lunatic. Please understand that all of this is purely psychotherapeutic. The thoughts and feelings described above are of the extreme nature, are almost never manifested in behavior, and are never entartained for a very long time. Overall, I'm a pretty normal human being. This was merely an analysis of the unreasonable part of my psyche; which I think is in all of us. We all think crazy sometimes.

And Kim, if you're reading this, rest assured that I love you and I will never force you to do things just to satiate my selfish and jealous desires. Keep having fun without me. Keep having outings with your guy friends. It's your right and privilege. I'm hoping in due time that these things will cease to keep me up at night. Especially before a final exam.

Another Sleepless Night

It's another one of those nights where I have too many things running around in my mind.

My life is fine.
I have a job.
Chances are, I'll get into a D.O. school.
I've been complimented as a singer and guitar player.
I've been complimented as a graphic designer.
I've got plenty of friends.
My family loves me (and I them).
I have a fully-functional car.

lots of things to be grateful for.

Why do I feel empty still?

It's a phase. It has to be.

Or am I just getting tired of being single?
Am i feeling the emptiness of singledom?

Why can't my future wife just give me a call and say, "I'll be there in a few months, honey. Wait for me." I think that would give me a heck of a lot more reassurance.

Uncertainty sucks.

Weakness

I'm such a sucker for cute girls. Sheesh.

How Easy I Forget

We all have those moments when we feel inspired and motivated to change ourselves for the better. There were numerous times, for example, when I would feel deeply motivated to change my study habits so that I would get better grades. Another example is that feeling you get at church, when you say to yourself, "Ok, I'm gonna change this and that about myself." During these times, I feel good about myself because I feel like I'm on my way to progressing, and there's nothing that can stop me.

Then the moment goes away.

A week later, I start skipping classes, I procrastinate schoolwork, and revert to my old "not-living-up-to-my-potential" self. A few days after Sunday, I stop reading the Bible and my prayers become more and more repetetive. Motivation and resolve: M.I.A.

I really wish I can maintain that gung-ho feeling everyday.

Moment of Zen

It's 2AM. I'm in my room. I've had a fever since around 5pm, and I can't sleep...and I'm hungry. I've done something that I've never done before: Instead of staying bedridden and miserable, I sat up, read a few chapters of Memoirs of a Geisha, and went downstairs to cook some food. By the way, "less sodium" bacon tastes like paper.

I've also been chatting on AIM with a couple of friends. I've felt a little bit closer to Crystal since we talked about our relationship problems. Sophie is just so bubbly that talking to her makes me feel young again.

It's so peaceful in my room right now. Gave me time to meditate. There's just something about being sick that can be purifying to the soul. I mean, yeah, you feel terrible physically, but the helplessness you feel really helps you become humble. Helps you realize how dependent we all are on God. This is probably the most wholesome fever I've ever had :)

"I enjoyed your sermon"

Parishioner: "I really enojoyed your sermon today."
Priest: "Well then you didn't understand it."

Priests and Pastors are not entertainers. Sermons and talks are not given for your amusement. They are given so you can learn. They are given to help you change yourself and the people around you for the better.

Inspired by Church Leaders

A couple of things:

1. Last week, my bishop was talking about how there were thousands of church members in the Louisiana area who were asked not to have Sunday services, but instead, continue their volunteer efforts in Louisiana. He said, "Yes, there are times when it is appropriate not to go to church." Sometimes, we lose sight of what's really important. Sunday services can be put off to another day; especially when there are thousands in need of our help now.

Along the same lines:

2. Earlier today, at General Conference, Elder Uchtdorf said that with all of the activities and programs the Church has in place, we must be careful not to forget the core principles of the gospel. This reminded me of something I've become more aware of within the past 5 years: people who join organizations without proper intent.

Take Phi Delta Epsilon for example. It's a pre-med fraternity. Do you know why a chapter was started at UCI? Because some guy wanted to be able to include this in his medical school application: "President of the founding class of Phi Delta Epsilon." Did he even care about helping other pre-meds get ready for medical school? Heck no. He could care less. All he cared about was his own qualifications.

How about Circle K? There are plenty of Circle K'ers out there who join just for the social life or to have something to put on their resume/application. Where are the ones who sincerely care about the community?

Now, how about something closer to what Elder Uchtdorf was saying: religion. I think most churches out there have activities and programs; some more than others. Sometimes, church activities can fill up most of a person's free time. They're fun, and they're wholesome. There's nothing wrong with them; but I think it's healthy to ask yourself on a regular basis, "Why did I join this church?" I've become acquainted with numerous individuals during my stay in the Philippines who got so caught up with the social aspect of church, that it became the only reason why they stayed. Thus, if that social web was ever marred or weakened (and I've seen it happen many times), that person had nothing to anchor himself to that church, and so he would fall away.

So, if you take away all of your friends from church, would you still go to church every week? How enthusiastic would you be in a church with no one else but your family?

I'm not saying that we should be antisocial when we go to church. My point is that we should all take some time to evaluate ourselves, and root our faith to what's really important. The core principles of your religion should be your anchor.